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Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word:

Hutch Braces for Post_Kira



I look at your face and I know. I know that of all the times we have ever cut each other, in jest or by accident, this is the worst.

I don't know what to do or what to say.

Somehow, when Kira came on board, I seem to have lost my reason. You know, it hasn't been that great anyway lately...but there was just something about her that sucked the last bit of it away. I liked her. She made me laugh. She chased away some of the darkness...some of the uncertainty...that we've been living in since...

Well, you know what I mean.

Sometimes we're like an old married couple, huh? We fight, we bicker, we yell, we get over it. But this...

You know I would walk on glass before I would hurt you. And when you told me you loved her, I had every intention of breaking it off with her, then and there. I went over to her house with that in mind, I swear. And when she told me she loved you, too, I was on my way out the door, partner. That's the rule. If you love her and she loves you, I hit the bricks.

But then she said she loved me too, and suddenly all the rules got fuzzy. I couldn't wrap my head around the words fast enough while she was talking. She kept asking me if I'd ever loved two women at a time, and somehow there was a weird kind of logic to what she was saying, and somehow she made me think that maybe it would be all right for both of us to love her at once.

And then...she kissed me.

I should have known better, dammit. Yes, I've made love to more than one woman in a week. And I've been with women knowing damned well I wasn't their only lover. But this was different. This wasn't some stranger. This was my best friend.

I can only say that when I heard your voice in the living room, I thought my heart would break. To this day, I don't know what possessed me to drag my sorry ass out there, but it had happened before I could stop myself. And the look on your face...I knew I had screwed up and screwed up bad.

I make no excuses for what I did. Hell, I'm still workin' on the reasons why.

I know it'll take time to heal this wound, time and some explanation. When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.

But I have one thing I've gotta say. If I'm going to look you in the eye...or myself in the mirror...again, I have to say this...even if it blows us so far apart we won't find each other again.

I won't let the rest of my life...or our about this mistake.

I know what happens when I do that...I've burned myself at that altar a thousand times. Ironically, you were the one who finally taught me that wasn't necessary.

Because I know what'll happen.

I'll swear I won't screw up again. But it'll be inevitable, because, despite all my ridiculous efforts to prove otherwise, I'm human. And I'll get hypersensitive, to both my behavior and your reaction. And when the tally on the "bad Hutch" side of the ledger gets too great, one of two things will happen.

I'll drive both of us crazy by worrying too much and needing too much reassurance, and you'll kill me. Or I'll get so pissed off and resentful that I'll just blast out like a bat outta hell and not care about the consequences.

I'll lose the relationship anyway. And in the bargain, I'll lose myself.

So I'll say I'm sorry for I did. Because I am.

And I'll take responsibility and admit I did wrong. Because I did.

And you know I'd give anything for our friendship, from two bits for a cup of coffee to my life.

But not that. Not myself.

So that's it. The ball's in your court now, and I'm ready for whatever you throw at me. All I ask is...though you may not think I deserve it...try not to ace me too bad, huh?