(with some help from Aunt Ruth and Uncle Al and Hutch. Oh, yeah, and Flamingo.)

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. (Especially if you have to take the Squash. Just ask Hutch.)
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. (Unless you answer your door with your Magnum drawn. Then you might get all the newspapers! Just ask Hutch.)
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. (Which explains why, after all these years, we're still not lieutenants!)
No one is listening until you make a mistake. (Just ask Dobey.)
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. (Hutch says this is good for your self-esteem. All I know is it makes me feel good about myself when I hear it.)
Never test the depth of the water with both feet. (Especially if your feet are as big as Hutch's. But don't say anything. He's self-conscious.)
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. (Good examples: Vic Humphries. Diana Harmon. Hutch's car.)
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. (Though sometimes it doesn't hurt to give them little hints.)
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. (Boy, ain't that the truth!)
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. (Y'know, when you hear wisdom like this, it just makes you appreciate all those famous ancient philosophers even more. Thanks, Uncle Al!)
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. (Is that why Hutch won't go with me?)
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. (Hutch thinks a six pack is a requirement for landing a fish. I think it would work better if you poured the beer into the water. Then the fish would get careless. If it was really good beer, they might even jump in the boat.)
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. (And cheap!)
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. (Thanks, Aunt Ruth. Only I'd wished you'd told me this BEFORE Hutch saw the actual printing and shipping bill for my zine.)
Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield. (Note to self: wash the Torino.)
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. (There's something about this one that doesn't sound like it works.)
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. (What Hutch tells me to do whenever we get any place that has gambling. There's something about this one that just doesn't sound like it works, either.)
A closed mouth gathers no foot. (And when your feet are as big as Hutch's-- FROM HUTCH: the major expert on foot-in-mouth disease in this house is the dispenser of all this wisdom himself.)
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (But don't use it for bondage games. Stick to handcuffs. Duct tape is too hard to get off, and the sticky stuff gets all over the sheets and your body hair and hurts like crazy coming off. Not that I would know anything about that personally, that's just what Flamingo tells me.)
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. (And after living in VenicePlace, I can't even remember the theories.)
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. (Hutch made me write this. There's something about this one that just doesn't sound like it works, either.)
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. (Like it'll do you good then!)
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. (But at least we get to eat great food once we grow up and don't have to deal with brussel sprouts, and when you're a grown-up being wet and naked gets to be fun! Just ask Hutch!)