This is a sequel to Humpty Dumpty. Comments on this story can be sent to: TazzyJan@aol.com
The Angel and The Dreamer
I heard a song say "the future isn't just one night". Very true. The future really is more than a single night, but it's funny how a single night can seal your fate forever. At least I thought it was forever. But my partner, he found a way to forgive me. I'm not sure how and I'm damn sure not going to question it. I'm simply going to accept it and be grateful for it. And when I say grateful, I mean down on my knees kissing his feet grateful. Yes, I really am that glad we're still together.
That same song says "I really lost my head last night. You've got a right to stop believing." That's even more true. If you happen to be talking about me and my partner, that is. You see, a couple of days ago I did the unthinkable. I slept with his girlfriend. She wasn't just his girlfriend, either. No, she was the woman he thought he was in love with. I say thought, because I'm pretty sure it wasn't really love. Yet. But it was close enough to send me spiraling out of control. Normally when that happens, my partner's there to catch me. This time, somebody else caught me. Brother, that was a mistake.
I should never have gone over there. I certainly didn't go there with the intention of sleeping with her. I swear...I swear on my partner's life that I did not go over there with the intention of sleeping with Kira. But that's what happened. And you want to know the scary part? I still don't know how in the fuck we ended up in bed.
I mean, one minute we're talking, about Starsky of all things, and the next we're in her bed boffing like bunnies. When Starsky showed up, I actually thought about hiding out in the bedroom, but what would have been the point? My car was outside. He knew I was there. Better to go out and face him like a man than have him come in after me.
Let me tell you something, my partner has a devastating punch when he's angry. And I don't think I've ever seen him angrier than I did when I walked out of Kira's bedroom still tucking in my shirt. But what hurt a thousand times worse than his fist, was the betrayal I saw in his eyes. It hurt. It hurt on so many different levels it nearly floored me.
I didn't sleep a bit that night. I tried to eat something, but the memory of my partner's face made my body rebel. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. All I could do was hurt. And regret. And pray that I hadn't just laid waste to everything between us. I got a hell of a wake up call that night. I realized a few home truths about myself, too. The most disconcerting of which was that I would get down on my knees and beg before I would let Starsky walk out of my life for good.
I'm a proud man. I always have been. I guess being a Hutchinson bred that into me. I've never begged, really begged, for anything in my life. But I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would beg for Starsky. I would beg for my partner not to leave me. And I would do whatever it took to get him to stay. There was nothing I wouldn't give him. Nothing I owned, no part of me, that I wouldn't give him if he'd only stay.
A vision flashed through my head as I pondered that thought. It wasn't a vision I'd ever had before. I've never, in my entire life, pictured myself with another man in any sort of sexual way. Never. Not even when I was a kid and my hormones were raging out of control. But I pictured it then. Clear as day, I pictured my partner bending me over my own kitchen table, exacting the price for his presence.
And if the vision wasn't bad enough, the hard-on I got over it really threw me for a loop. I quickly pushed the thought away. I couldn't deal with it. I had too many other things to worry about. My sexuality was the least of my concerns.
In the end, I didn't have to offer Starsky anything. Didn't even have to beg. I apologized, sure. But it was my partner that bridged the gap between us. It was my partner that reached out and took my hand and said he still loved me. Despite everything I'd done to him.
So, I made up my mind that I had to tell him. Well, maybe not everything, but at least that I would have gotten on my knees and begged him not to go. He needed to know how much our relationship meant to me. He said he believed me when I told him how important it was, but I wasn't convinced. I mean, I betrayed him. He should have doubts about the sincerity of my words.
I decided to wait a few days before talking with him. I didn't want him to think that I was still worried about us or anything. And if I'm completely honest here, I wanted him a little off guard. This was going to be hard enough without the patented Starsky smirk making an appearance. I love the guy, but sometimes he can irritate the shit out of me.
The other reason I waited was so we'd have a few days off. I didn't want to take the chance on this blowing up in my face and then have to go to work the next day. I wanted time to regroup if necessary. And maybe drown my sorrows if things went really bad.
Anyway, I waited until Friday night and invited him over to my place for beer and a pizza. I guess I'd been acting kind of weird all day, too keyed up, and Starsky was trying to figure out what was wrong. Don't ever think my partner is not one very shrewd detective. He knew something was up. What's more, he knew I knew he knew and he kept quiet about it. Must have figured I'd get around to telling him about it sooner or later. Though why he trusted me to keep something from him was beyond me. You would have thought he'd have jumped down my throat about still keeping secrets. But he didn't. That's my partner for you. Generous to a fault. At least where I'm concerned. Did I mention yet that I really really love him?
So, it's Friday night and we're at my place. I ordered the pizza just the way he liked it. He looked at me kind of funny when I did, but he still didn't say anything. He just waited. And the longer he waited the more nervous I got. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and he told me to just spit it out already. He said it a little more gruffly than he meant to, but I guess by then he thought I was going to tell him something really bad. Like maybe I didn't want to be partners anymore, after all.
Sometimes Starsky can be really dumb. No, that's not right. Insecure. Sometimes he can be really insecure. And sometimes, I feed those insecurities. Makes you wonder why the guy puts up with me. I mean, I make him feel like shit sometimes, I know I do. I don't mean to, but it happens just the same.
Well, as soon as he confronted me all of my carefully rehearsed words flew right out the proverbial window. I sat there on the sofa, looking at him, and didn't know what to say. He was sitting sort of in the corner so he could face me and still lean back and he was just looking at me, waiting for me to say something.
Now, my partner's always been the one more suited to action than words. Under even the most trying of circumstances I can usually come up with something to say. Not this time, though. So I did what Starsky would do. I suited actions to words.
You should have seen the look on his face when I set my beer down and slid to my knees in front of him. I watched those same old insecurities flash across his face and I wanted nothing more than to wipe them away for good. I never wanted him to feel insecure again, least of all around me.
He reached out to me then. Reached out and touched my face, very gently, like I might break if he touched me too hard. That seemed to be the catalyst I needed and I found my voice again. I started by telling him I loved him. Then I told him that I never wanted to lose him. He started to say something, but I cut him off, asking him to please just let me finish then he could have his say. He nodded so I went on.
I told him that I would have done anything to get him to stay. I told him I would have begged him on my knees, given him anything he wanted, promised him the moon, if he would only give me another chance to be his friend. I told him I didn't understand how he could put up with me at times and how he could find it in his heart to forgive me. But I was so very thankful that he had.
I told him, if he would just give me one more chance, I would spend the rest of my life earning his trust back. And that while I knew he forgave me, I also knew that the hurt I caused would take a long time to heal. I also let him know that I was more than willing to pay whatever price he deemed necessary to earn that trust back.
When I was finished, we both just sat there for a bit, me on my knees and him on the couch. He seemed at a loss, unsure how to respond to my declarations. I wanted to tell him that he didn't need to say anything, but I could see that he did. So I waited.
What came out of his mouth sent me reeling. He didn't comment on what I'd said, instead he referred back to the conversation we had here a few days ago. He said that I told him then that I didn't know why I'd done what I had. He told me to my face that was a lie. He said I knew exactly why I'd done it and that he did, too.
I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure where this was going, but so far, I wasn't liking it one bit. He paused for a minute, as if weighing his words, then proceeded to tell me in no uncertain terms that I slept with Kira because I was in love with him.
I started to deny it, but then I stopped. I couldn't, no I wouldn't shove that lie between us. I was in love with my partner. My exotically beautiful but entirely too straight MALE partner. And he knew it. Now what the fuck was I going to do?
He was staring at me again, waiting for me to speak. I didn't know what to say, so I said the first thing I thought of. I asked him if he hated me now. From the look on his face you'd have thought I hit him. It was that stunned kind of hurt look. Like the one he wore when I walked out of Kira's bedroom. I'd done it again. I'd betrayed him. Somehow, I didn't think he'd find it in him to forgive me twice.
I ended up leaning forward and resting my head on his leg. I didn't know what to say or do to make this right again. All I could think of was that I'd lost him for good this time. I think I started to shake because all at once, he was there, leaning over me and rubbing my back. His words were soft as he tried to soothe the worst of my fear. I was so upset it took a moment for what he was saying to really sink in.
But when I looked up, his eyes were just a little too bright and his hands were shaking. I knew then that he meant the words coming out of his mouth. He meant it when he said he loved me and he wanted me and yes he wanted me "that way".
Suddenly we were on the floor again. Only this time, we were doing more than just holding onto one another. This time, our mouths came together and we found something a whole lot more important to do than breathe. This time, we got it right.
The sequel to this story is: Sunny Side Up