Second story in my Fix series. A sequel to My Kingdom For A Fix. Comments on this story can be sent to: TazzyJan@aol.com
Detective Kenneth Hutchinson stared at himself in the mirror. He still looked like shit, but he did look better than he did the day before. And he owed it all to his pit bull of a partner. He frowned when he thought about Starsky. His partner may have managed to do what he was sure no one else could have--beat his drug addiction. But at what cost to him? To them?
They had left the apartment over Huggy's a week ago, both men sure that the drug had been beaten. And in that entire week, Hutch had not seen Starsky once. They were still on leave for the next two weeks. Dobey had insisted. Hutch had thought they'd spend the time together. Apparently he had been mistaken for Starsky had dropped him at home and then disappeared. Oh, he called Hutch every day to make sure the man was all right and to reassure Hutch that he was fine. But he refused to tell his partner where he was. And he refused to come home. Now Hutch was left to wonder if he had said or done something that couldn't be taken back. Had he hurt the other man so badly that there could never be forgiveness?
Hutch had told himself when Starsky left that he would give his friend the time he so obviously needed. But as the days wore on he found himself more and more on edge. There was a feeling in the back of his mind that Starsky needed him. Badly.
The jangling of the telephone brought him back to the here and now with a start and he raced across the room to answer it. He knew it was Starsky before he picked it up. This time his partner was going to talk to him.
"Hey, Hutch. How ya' doin'?" came the soft street-wise words.
"Not so great," Hutch replied truthfully, hating to use his partner's feelings for him like this but knowing no other way.
"What's wrong?" Starsky asked, the concern evident in the short clipped words.
"I need you." Simple statement. Fact. And one he would not change for anyone or anything in this world.
"I. Need. You." He enunciated each word carefully, making sure the person on the other end heard them. "I need you to come home. Or tell me where you are and I'll come there. I need you, Starsk. I can't do this without you."
Silence greeted him and he waited. He knew Starsky wouldn't just hang up on him, not until he found out what was wrong. So he waited.
"You promised you wouldn't ever leave me," Hutch said, whisper soft. "Not now. Not ever. That's what you told me."
"Hutch, don't do this," Starsky implored equally softly.
"Do you really want me to beg, Starsk?" he asked. "I will. I'll get down on my knees and beg you to come home if that's what it takes. I meant what I said, you know. I can live without the heroin, but losing you would kill me."
Silence reigned again and Hutch waited. He felt a dull ache in his hand and realized he was gripping the receiver as tightly as he could, as if holding onto it was somehow connecting him with the man on the other end.
"On the outskirts of Santa Barbara. A place called the Wayfarer. Number 15."
The line went dead. Hutch stared at the phone for a moment before dropping it and hurrying into his bedroom. He grabbed a bag and began to pack haphazardly. In his head he ticked off things he had to do--fill the car with gas, stop at the bank and take out some money, water the plants. Everything else could wait. He was halfway down the block before he remembered he hadn't watered the plants. He kept on driving. He could always get new ones.
Starsky paced the small bungalow he was renting. He thought about getting into the Torino and taking off before Hutch could get there. But that would be running away. Like hiding out here for the last week wasn't?
He was well and truly screwed and he knew it. His partner was on his way here and there was nothing he could do. Not when Hutch had asked him like that. Not when he missed the other man so bad it felt like his heart would shatter.
With a sigh he lay down on the bed and tried to figure out what he was going to say to his partner. He figured he had a couple of hours at best to think things through before Hutch got there. A couple of hours before his world ended. His mind kept replaying that awful time, forcing him to watch again and again as his partner offered himself. Hutch would never know how hard it had been for Starsky to send him to bed.
He had asked Hutch if he really would have prostituted himself. But that hadn't been the real question. As hurting as his partner was he had no doubt that Hutch would have done whatever Starsky asked to get his fix, especially if he thought he was the only one hurt by it. No, the real question wasn't would Hutch have done it. The real question was would he have taken Hutch up on it.
That question scared the hell out of him. Scared him bad enough to send him running from his friend when the man needed him. It scared him because, if Hutch had pushed it that night, he didn't know if he'd have been able to turn him down.
Hutch forced himself to drive no more than five over the speed limit. Starsky would never forgive him if he got into an accident and got himself killed. He kept telling himself that Starsky would be there. His partner wouldn't have given him the address if he wasn't planning on being there. He just couldn't seem to shake the feeling that he needed to hurry. He needed to get to Starsky. Now.
As he drove, Hutch forced his mind to replay that week. He paid special attention to the last few days of it. Something had happened and it wasn't just Starsky's threat to kill himself. He let his mind drift back as it would, letting his subconscious be his guide.
"Would you really have done it?
"Prostituted yourself to me."
Hutch jerked the car off the road and slammed on the brakes. He had forgotten, his mind pushing all the pain and ugliness away. Now he couldn't stop the memories from coming. Promising Starsky anything. And the one thing Starsky had asked for. Him.
But what was the man running from? His own question or Hutch's answer?
His hands shaking and his heart pounding, Hutch eased the car back out onto the road. He slowed to just under the speed limit, not quite as eager to see his partner as he was before. He had no idea what he was going to say to the man. What do you say to your best friend when you've just offered to let him fuck you for a fix?
"Please, God," he whispered as he drove. "Please don't let me have messed this up. Please."
Starsky recognized the sound of Hutch's car pulling up outside his small cottage. Resigned to his fate, he pulled himself up from the bed and went to greet his friend. He opened the door and watched as the tall blond nearly fell getting out of his car. In two strides he was at his partner's side, his grip strong and sure on the other man's arm.
"Easy, Hutch," he soothed as he steadied his friend. "C'mon let's get you inside. You look like you could use a drink."
Meekly, Hutch followed him. He wanted nothing more right now than to pull his friend into his arms and hold him. Somehow, after last week, he doubted if Starsky would appreciate that. He took what comfort he could in the fact that the man was still willing to touch him. He didn't think his soul could take it if Starsky stopped touching him altogether.
"Sit down," Starsky said, nodding toward what served as the dining table. He moved to pour them both a drink but made sure to leave the bottle across the room. The last thing they needed was to get drunk right now.
"Starsk, I'm sorry," Hutch said as the other man sat down across from him.
"What are you sorry about?" There was genuine puzzlement in the question. What was Hutch apologizing for? Unless he was apologizing ahead of time for what he was about to do. Suddenly Starsky felt his insides go cold.
Please, God, don't let this be the end.
"I...I would have done it, you know," Hutch stated flatly, his eyes fixed on the tabletop. "I...I would have done anything you said. Any one you said. God, what a whore you must think I am."
"First off, I don't think you're a whore," Starsky said, dealing with the easiest first. "Look at me, Hutch."
"Don't you?" Hutch came back, forcing his head up to look at his partner.
"No. I don't," came the solid reply. "You were hurting. You would have done anything to make the pain stop. I knew that. I knew that if I pushed, even a little, you'd've let me take you any way I wanted."
"Starsky, why'd you run?" Hutch watched as pain rolled through his friend at his words. There was more going on here than he realized. Starsky didn't blame him for how he acted, but something was still eating at the other man.
"Because, God help me, I almost did."
"Almost did what?" Hutch was really starting to wish the man would just come out and say it already. This talking in circles was confusing the hell out of him right now.
To say Hutch was stunned would have been an almost criminal understatement.
Of all the things he had thought Starsky would say, this was not one of them. The silence was heavy as Hutch tried to think of something to say. When he had thought about it in the car, he had thought Starsky had only said that to try and get through to him. Now he was being told differently. But no matter what Starsky said, he knew his friend would not have "pushed" him that night. There was no way this gentle considerate man could have taken advantage of him that way. He believed that completely.
"I thought...I thought you only said that to...um, get through to me," Hutch began, knowing he had to say something soon or his partner was liable to bolt. "I never thought...it never occurred to me..."
"That your partner might be a pervert?" Starsky supplied bitterly.
"Don't say that!" Starsky watched as those blue eyes flashed with real anger and felt his heart die a little more. "Do you honestly consider your feelings for me a perversion? Do you?"
"Good," Hutch said emphatically. Starsky jerked his head up and stared, not daring to hope. "And I don't care what you're thinking in that empty head of yours, partner, but there is no way in hell you would've pushed that night. You would never take advantage of someone like that, especially me. If I'd have dropped to the ground and started sucking you, you'd've found a way to get me to stop. No matter how much your body might not have wanted you to."
"Listen to me, David, and listen to me good. I love you. You're my best friend. You're my partner. Hell, you're my whole fucking world. Even when I was out of my mind with need, I knew exactly who and what you were. You were my only hope. You were my lifeline. You were my sanity. You were mine."
"I'll always be yours," Starsky whispered before he could stop himself. Tears were running down both their faces now but neither man noticed. "I love you. And I'm in love with 'ya, in case you hadn't noticed."
"I hadn't, rotten bastard that I am. Until now. Can you forgive me?"
"Forgive you for what?"
"For not seeing what was right in front of me all along," he said as he reached out and touched the other man's face. He let his fingers trail down from Starsky's temple to his chin and smiled when the man couldn't help but lean into the caress. "For being too much of a coward to let myself see. For causing you even a second's pain."
"Hutch, babe.... Ken, you've gotta stop touchin' me for a sec. I can't think when you do that an' I need ta say somethin' here." Reluctantly the long fingers pulled away and Starsky took a deep breath. A voice inside him was screaming at him to keep his stupid mouth shut and take what was being offered. He ignored it. He had to be sure.
"I love you," Starsky began. "And I know you love me. Always have known it. But this, what you're sayin', you don't have to do this. I promised you I'd never leave you. I won't. Not until the day they zip me in a body bag. And I'll fight with everything I have not to let that happen, too. I guess what I'm tryin' to say is you don't have to do this just to keep me around."
"Starsky, do you really think I would do that to either of us?" Hutch asked, touched by his friend's words. "I know you won't leave me. You already told me that. And I'm not saying any of this out of some misplaced sense of obligation or desperation. I'm saying this because I love you. And because I want you."
"Are you sure, Hutch? Are you really sure you want to do this?"
How they made it to the bed neither of them could remember. But somehow, they were there and their shirts were off and they were in each other's arms. Their first kiss was soft and sweet and all those things a first kiss should be. Soon though, their passionate natures had both men demanding more and the kisses became almost frantic.
"David... Oh, God, David," Hutch moaned, pulling away.
"What is it?" Starsky asked, his breath coming in small panting gasps.
"I want to love you, but I don't know what I'm doing," Hutch admitted, a blush heating his cheeks.
"I'll teach you."
"You've done this before?" Hutch asked, unable to keep the incredulity from his voice.
"A long time ago," Starsky whispered. "In a whole other world."
"Nam," Hutch said knowingly.
"Well you know what that means, don't you?" Hutch asked, his eyes twinkling as he got up onto his hands and knees and leaned over his partner.
"That means that I'm just going to have to love you until you can't remember anyone but me and any time but now." Those blue eyes danced and Starsky thought he might cum in his pants just from the sight and sound of this man.
"You keep doin' that, blondie, and these pants'll have to be washed," Starsky warned with a laugh.
"Oh no you don't," Hutch said. He reached down and took hold of his new lover's jeans, his eyes never leaving Starsky's. "The only place you're cumming is in my mouth. I want to taste you..."
"I want to feel your cock in my mouth, your cum on my tongue..."
"I want to spend the rest of the day knowing your cum is in my belly..."
At Starsky's pained cry, Hutch pulled his jeans down the rest of the way down his hips. He paused for a moment to take in the sight of his lover's cock, hard and aching, before he bent his head and touched it with his tongue. Starsky almost bucked him off at the first touch and Hutch laid down on his partner's legs to keep him still.
He took a moment more to glance up at Starsky's face. The dark head was thrown back and moving from side to side, the blue eyes squeezed tightly shut as he fought for control. With a last smile, he turned his attention back to the feast spread out before him.
He had never done this before, but he knew what he liked. Being extra careful of his teeth, he took the swollen member into his mouth and suckled gently. He savored the taste and feel of the hard phallus, marveling at his own enjoyment of such a submissive act. The sounds coming from his partner were making his own cock jump. If he could make Starsky sound like this, he'd suck his cock every day.
Knowing how hard Starsky was fighting for control, Hutch began to move his head in earnest. As far down as he could manage then back up to the crown then down again. He hoped with time he would learn to take all of it in. But for now, he would do what he could. When he brought his hand up to caress his lover's testes, it was more than the other man could take. With a cry Hutch was sure they could hear in LA, Starsky came. Hutch felt the penis shooting inside his mouth and moaned as his own control broke. Moving against Starsky's leg, he came in his pants for the first time in over ten years.
When Starsky finally finished cumming, Hutch licked him clean before moving back up to lay beside him. He fully expected to cuddle for a bit, letting them both enjoy the aftermath of their orgasms. He was not prepared when Starsky pulled him into a fierce kiss. He moaned into Starsky's mouth when that agile tongue stroked his own.
"I can taste myself in your mouth," Starsky said as he pulled back. "I can taste my cum in your mouth."
Hutch shivered at the erotic words. The look in his partner's eyes made him think the man wanted to devour him. Maybe he did. Hutch sure hoped he did.
"You're turn," Starsky said as he reached toward Hutch's jeans.
"Whadda ya' mean?"
"Sorry, pal. I came when you did." If Hutch thought Starsky wanted to devour him before, he was sadly mistaken.
"Are ya' tryin' ta kill me?" Starsky growled as he rolled on top of the other man and kissed him again. "No one's ever cum from sucking me off before, lover. Do you have any idea how hot that makes me?"
"Show me," Hutch challenged, fire meeting fire as both their passions began to spike.
"For the rest of my life, lover. For the rest of my life."
It was a vow sealed with fire.
3rd story in The Fix series: Fixations