Third story in my Fix series. A sequel to Fixing Us. Comments on this story can be sent to: TazzyJan@aol.com
Starsky wasn't sleeping. He hadn't been for days. He and Hutch may have settled things but it was clear his subconscious wasn't ready to let it all go yet. There were three basic nightmares, though each dream was a little different from the others. And the overriding theme in all of them was his loss of Hutch.
The easiest one to deal with was the one where his partner chose the heroin over him. That one was the best because once Hutch shot up so did he, in a matter of speaking. He always jerked awake just as his finger tightened on the trigger. At least in that one he didn't have to live to see the end of everything he loved.
With the other two, it was harder to say which one was worse. It depended on those ever-changing variables within the dreams. In the one where he "pushed" Hutch into having sex with him, he was sometimes tender and loving, showing his partner just how good it could be. Sometimes, though, he was the bastard he knew himself capable of being and he used Hutch just as thoroughly as any back-alley whore. By the time he was finished in those dreams, his partner was in a crumpled heap at his feet, bleeding and begging for mercy. The first time he'd jerked awake from that dream, he'd run to the bathroom and puked.
The last dream was the hardest to wake up from, but probably the least violent of them all. In that one, when Hutch came to Santa Barbara for him, he knew exactly why Starsky had run. And he was more than angry. He was disgusted that his partner could feel that way about him, disgusted by the very idea. In that dream, more often than not, Hutch told him he never wanted to see him again. When he woke from those he felt more alone than he ever had in his life.
Starsky turned to look at the man lying beside him. Hutch was still sleeping soundly. He was glad he hadn't disturbed him. Hutch needed his rest right now. It was one of the reasons Dobey had insisted they take some time off.
"Bad dream again?" The soft voice startled Starsky. Apparently Hutch wasn't as asleep as he'd thought.
"Sorry. Didn't mean ta wake ya'."
"You want to talk about it?" Hutch's voice sounded worried and that concern tore at Starsky. He wanted to scream at the other man. Grab him and shake him until he understood that he shouldn't care, shouldn't worry about him. That he, David Michael Starsky, wasn't worth it.
"Not really," he replied dully.
"Starsk, what is it? We've been here for almost a week and every night you wake up screaming or sweating or both. Talk to me, partner. Tell me what's wrong." The soft, imploring voice was more than he could take.
"You want to know what's wrong? Fine. I'll tell ya'. Every night I dream. Sometimes two or three times. It's never quite the same dream, but variations on a couple a different themes. Tonight...tonight was one a the worst. Tonight, was the one where I rape you."
"Yeah, tonight's feature was the one where I tell ya' I'll trade you the heroin for a piece of your ass. And when you agree I throw you down and fuck you bloody. By the time I'm done with ya', you don't even want the heroin any more."
"It's just a dream, Starsk," Hutch said after a moment. "I know you'd never..."
"No. You don't know shit. You don't know WHAT I'm capable of, Hutchinson." Starsky was shaking, trembling with the force of his words and the horrible fear that was consuming him. Hutch didn't know what he was capable of. Hutch didn't know the monster he could become. Hutch didn't know and Starsky never wanted him to.
"Maybe I don't," he conceded as he pulled the shaking man into his arms. Starsky tried to pull away but those strong arms wouldn't let him. And it felt so good to be in them, so right. "But I do know you. I know you'd never hurt me. That you could never do...that. I know you're scared, Starsk. I just don't know what you're scared of."
"Losing you," the words were spoken softly, as if saying them would breathe life into them.
"You are NOT going to lose me," Hutch stated angrily. "And I'm not going to lose you, either. Do you have any idea how scared I was when you put that gun to your head? Do you? The withdrawal was killing me. Everything hurt. But it was nothing compared to the pain I felt when I realized you meant it.
That you would kill yourself if I let you down this time."
"Aw, Hutch. Don't do this to yourself, babe," Starsky said, unable to not respond to his partner's pain.
"I thought about it, you know," Hutch admitted, shame coloring his voice and making his throat thick. "I thought about just doing it and letting you end it. I knew if I did that, as soon as I got out of there I was gonna get the biggest hit I could find and ride the lightning all the way down."
"What stopped you?" Starsky asked. He had known Hutch's choice had been close. He just hadn't realized how close.
"The thought of never seeing you again," he admitted. "I knew if I did that, that you'd never forgive me. I couldn't stand the thought of dying and knowing you wouldn't be waiting for me on the other side. That you wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. I knew if I let you down, you'd hate me. And I'd rather go through that pain for the rest of my life than have you hate me."
"I could never hate you," Starsky said as he reached up to stroke the blond head above him.
"Are you sure?" Hutch asked quietly. "I know how...how disgusted you were with me. At what I'd become. Suddenly I wasn't your partner anymore. I was just some junkie dying for his next fix, willing to whore himself to whoever he thought could score him some horse."
"Stop it!" Starsky demanded, his body shaking again. Hutch's words were like knives in his soul, shredding it. His partner wasn't a junkie. And he certainly wasn't a whore! "I was never disgusted with you. Never. You're my partner. You never stopped bein' my partner. And you ain't never gonna."
Both men were crying now, tears running freely down their faces. It scared them to think how close they had come to losing everything. How close they still were.
"You ain't no whore, Hutch," Starsky continued, his voice as hard as the hands that gripped his partner's arm. "You ain't no whore. You're the man I love, do ya' hear me? You're the man I love and you ain't no whore." Starsky pushed himself up on one elbow so he could look at Hutch's face.
Even in his misery, with his eyes all swollen and red, he was beautiful. Leaning down, he licked away the trail of tears running down his face, tasting his partner along with the salt. "You ain't no whore," he whispered as he stared into the other man's eyes. "I love you. I'd spend the rest of my life loving you, if you'd let me."
"Oh, God. David. I love you. I'll always love you," Hutch said, suddenly burning under his partner's fiery gaze. "And you're not a monster. You're not. You couldn't be. Not and love me like you say you do, like I know you do. Please, David. Please love me."
"Tell me what you want, Hutch," Starsky purred. They could discuss his darker side later, right now his lover needed him.
"I want you," Hutch said, squirming under that smoldering gaze. He was more turned on than he'd been in a long time. Even more turned on than when he sucked Starsky off a few nights ago. He wanted nothing more than to roll over onto his stomach and let his partner take him, make his ownership known in the most primitive of ways.
"Ah, ah. Not good enough," Starsky said, rubbing against his now feverish lover. "Tell me what you want. I wanna hear ya' say the words. I wanna hear that smooth voice tellin' me all kinds of nasty things. Can you do that for me, babe? Can you tell me what you want?"
"I thought...thought you said I wasn't a whore," Hutch groaned out, forcing himself to form a coherent thought. He wondered for a moment if he might have phrased that wrong but Starsky's low chuckle told him his lover understood him.
"Nah. You ain't no whore. Except for me. I can see it in yer eyes, blondie. I can see the need, the want. You want to be a whore for me. So I'm gonna let ya'. Now tell me what you want."
"Use me," Hutch moaned. Starsky's words were going straight to his groin while his hands were playing his body like an instrument. They caressed him everywhere and nowhere at once. Pinching a nipple, rubbing his side, skimming over his hip, brushing his hardness.
"Use you how?" Starsky demanded. "It ain't happenin' till you say it. I can do this all day. And I can keep you from cummin', too. Now what's it gonna be?"
"God, Starsk, please!"
"Fuck me!" Hutch cried out as Starsky pinched his nipple hard. "Roll me over and fuck me. I need to feel your cock in me. I need it, Starsk. I need it. I need to know you own me. Make me feel it. Make me know you'll never let me go."
Before Hutch knew what was happening, Starsky was up and flipping him over. He cried out when his underwear was jerked down his hips and thrust his cock into the mattress beneath him. He was so close to cumming he didn't think he was going to be able to hold out. But Starsky wasn't about to let him cum. Not now. Reaching around he wrapped his hand around the base of Hutch's penis and squeezed hard.
Hutch cried out at the feel of his lover's strong hand on his organ. He tried to thrust forward, but Starsky held him firmly in place. After a moment, the urgency began to subside and Starsky released him only to pull him backward until his knees were under him and his ass was thrust out.
"Tell me who owns you, Hutchinson," Starsky demanded as he bent to lick his lover's back. He let his tongue trail along the man's spine, then slip between his cheeks.
"You do!" Starsky's tongue delved between his cheeks again, this time pressing firmly against his anus. Hutch groaned and fisted his hands in the sheets, overwhelmed by the sensation of his lover's agile tongue touching him there.
"Do I?" Starsky taunted as he used his hands to spread his lover open and give him better access to his body. "Do I own you? Do you want me to own you? Tell me you want it."
"I want it. I want it. Oh, God, David. I want it."
Starsky leaned forward again and began to tongue him in earnest. Hutch moaned and squirmed as his lover licked him. He had never felt anything like this before. No one had ever touched him there. He shivered, absurdly pleased that this particular part of his body would belong to Starsky alone.
"Starsky!" Hutch screamed when the other man's tongue finally slipped inside his body. He thrust back, trying to get more of that soft, moist intruder inside him. Starsky gripped him tighter and began thrusting his tongue in and out, determined to drive his lover insane with need.
It was a short drive. Hutch's cock was leaking steadily and Starsky knew he had to slow things down or his lover would never make it. And he was determined that Hutch was not going to cum until he was buried inside of him.
Pulling back, Starsky took a moment to take in the sight of the man spread out before him. His lover was on his hands and knees, his grip on the blankets so tight his knuckles were white. His body was covered in a fine sheen of sweat and he was panting like he had just run a marathon.
"You're beautiful like this, babe. All laid out for me, wanting me." The needy groan that slipped past Hutch's lips made Starsky's cock twitch. He placed a final kiss on his lover's back before getting up and moving toward the bathroom.
"Where...where're you going?" Hutch grated out through clenched teeth. Surely Starsky wasn't going to just leave him like this.
"Easy, babe. Just getting a few things. I'll be right back. You just stay right where you're at."
True to his words, Starsky was back a moment later. He skimmed out of his shorts before once again taking up residence behind his kneeling partner. Uncapping the baby oil, he coated his fingers liberally then set it aside. Very carefully, he placed one finger at the entrance to Hutch's body and pushed. His lover had already told him he was a virgin to this kind of loving and the tightness of his body confirmed it. It thrilled Starsky anew to think that no one else had ever been here, in this place. This was all his and he was going to claim it.
Thrusting the finger gently back and forth, he waiting until his lover began to move into the caress before he added a second. It would not do to rush this. If he screwed this up, Hutch might never want to be taken this way again. And Starsky didn't think he'd be able to give this up once he'd had a taste of it.
Two fingers became three and Hutch tensed for a moment, his body stretched just beyond comfort. Starsky stilled his hand and waited, letting the golden body relax before once more beginning the gentle in and out motion. Pressing in a bit farther, he nudged Hutch's prostate and grinned at the shriek it elicited. Off and on he repeated the deeper caress, taking his lover higher and higher. By the time Starsky added a fourth finger Hutch was thrusting back enthusiastically. He let him ride his hand a bit more, aroused by the wanton display. This was the Hutch he burned for. This wild, wanton creature who craved his touch as he craved no other.
Pulling his hand free, Starsky picked up the baby oil and coated his penis. Hutch moaned at the loss of sensation, incapable of speech, but a loving hand on his back calmed him. Starsky was there. Starsky was taking care of him. Starsky would give him what he needed.
Scooting forward a bit more Starsky rose up onto his knees and pressed the head of his erection against Hutch's body. He felt the body shudder at the first touch and clamped down on his control. He would not hurt this man. Pressing forward slowly, he watched as the head disappeared inside. Both men groaned as Hutch's body clamped down around the invader.
Stilling himself, Starsky stroked Hutch's back and hip until his body relaxed enough for him to ease forward a bit more. A bit at the time, Starsky eased himself inside the tight body. By the time he was all the way in, he and Hutch were both trembling. It was taking every bit of his control not to start thrusting, but he knew if he did he would probably tear the delicate tissue that was stretched around him like a glove. The thought of Hutch bleeding was enough to cool his ardor and keep his control intact.
"I'm all the way inside you now," Starsky murmured as he leaned down to cover his lover's back. "Can you feel me? Can you feel my cock inside you?"
"Yessss," came the hissed reply. "I feel so full. Like you're filling me everywhere. Like there's no room for anything else inside me right now. Just you. God. I never knew you were so fucking huge."
Starsky laughed, low and dirty, at the compliment. Right now he felt like a god with Hutch as his worshipper. Time to show him just how benevolent of a god he could be. Taking his lover's hips in his strong hands, Starsky pulled back and gently thrust forward.
Hutch's trembling intensified as his lover began to slowly thrust inside him. It felt like Starsky was turning him inside out, pushing everything bad out of him to make room for himself. Every thrust of his cock shoved more and more of the badness away. It was like being reborn. Reborn and reshaped by the one man who loved him more than life.
He didn't even realize he was crying as thoughts coalesced in his head. I'm his lover. I'm his partner. I'm his best friend. I'm his willing whore. I'm his White Knight. I'm his everything. And I will be for the rest of my life.
The scream tore its way out of Hutch's mouth before he could stop it as his body lost control and came. He bucked back hard against his lover, wanting more, wanting to make it good for him, wanting to somehow merge them together so tightly they could never be separated.
It was all Starsky needed to push him over the edge as well. He thrust hard once more and groaned as his seed filled his lover's body. He shuddered hard as his body spasmed. It felt like he was pouring his very soul into his lover, mixing and merging them into a single entity. Completing him in a way no one had ever completed him before.
As soon as Starsky could move again, he wrapped his arm around his lover's waist and pulled them both over onto their sides. They lay spooned together like that; Starsky's cock still held inside the other man. Reluctantly, he slid free and reached down beside the bed to retrieve the wash cloth he had deposited there earlier.
Looking down at himself first, he grimaced when he saw the small red streak on his penis. Blood. Hutch's blood. Looks like he'd torn his lover after all. Carefully, he rolled his unprotesting lover's hips forward and spread his cheeks. He cleaned the man with gentle hands, unwilling to cause any further pain. Once he had Hutch as clean as he could get him, he surveyed the damage. He breathed a sigh of relief when he noted the superficial tear. It was small and would heal in a day or so, though Hutch would probably want to avoid any heavy food for a bit.
"Do I pass inspection?" Hutch asked with a grin as Starsky rolled him over onto his back, taking care not to put any undue pressure on sensitive areas.
"I made you bleed," the dark-haired man informed him. "I'm sorry."
"Don't most virgins bleed?" Hutch asked.
"I shouldn't have been so rough," Starsky stated flatly.
"You couldn't have been any gentler or gone any slower," Hutch informed him. "It probably happened at the end when I lost it and pushed back against you so hard. I never even felt it."
"I love you."
"I'd say I love you, too, but it's so much more than that," Hutch replied, his eyes bright with the tears that threatened once more.
"Tell me," Starsky demanded huskily.
"Can I ask you something first?"
"Sure, love. What is it?"
"Are you always, um, like this?" Hutch asked. This was a side of his partner he'd never seen before and he honestly wondered if the man was like this with all of his lovers. If he was it was a wonder any of them ever left him.
"No. Not always," Starsky replied with a smile. "You just seem to bring this side of me out."
"You sound disappointed," Starsky said. He knew this man. And he knew just how much he could pack into a tiny little word like "oh".
"Just a little, I guess," Hutch admitted, finding it easier to say than he thought it would be. "I like you this way. I feel...I don't know. I feel special, treasured, loved."
"Owned," Starsky added, knowing he was right when he felt his lover shiver in his arms. "You are owned. I own you. I just claimed you as mine and I'll keep claiming you until the day I die. You belong to me now."
"And you belong to me," Hutch replied, hoping he wasn't overstepping himself.
"Yeah, I do. And just as soon as ready for it, you're gonna show me just how much I belong to ya'."
"You want me to fuck you?" The disbelief was easy to hear. After everything they had just shared he found it difficult to picture their roles reversed.
"No." Flat denial, but the smile somehow softened the word. "I want you to own me. I want you to feel what I felt when I took you. I want you to know what I knew when I filled you with my cum."
"What did you know?" Soft hushed words, filled with emotion.
"That for a brief moment, we were one. That our souls had joined. And that nothing and no one on this Earth is ever gonna take you away from me. Or me away from you. I want you to know that I'm yours down to your toes. I want you to feel it like you've never felt anything before."
"Now, I'm not quite as cherry as you," Starsky admitted. "I been fucked by a man before. But it was a long time ago and most of the time I did the fuckin'. And besides, it's not gonna be fuckin' between us. It's gonna be so much more than that for both of us."
"You'll have to teach me," Hutch said when Starsky fell silent. "I don't know how to make it good for you and I want that. I want to make it good for you. I want you to feel what I felt."
"I'll teach you, babe," Starsky vowed. "I'll teach you everything you need to know. And one day soon, you'll own me like I own you. Then it'll be me on my hands and knees, pantin' and beggin' for your touch. It'll be me screamin' as you sink that nice big cock of yours inta me. It'll be me submittin' to you and I'll love every second of it. Love it like I've never loved anything before. Because it's you doin' the takin'. It's you masterin' me and moldin' me and markin' me as your own."
"Starsk. Lover. I don't think I can take much more," Hutch gasped as his body tried in vain to respond to his lover's words.
"Sshhh. Just lay here. Rest and let me hold ya'." Hutch felt himself pulled even closer and snuggled down into the embrace. It felt so good to be in those arms. Safe. He felt more loved than he could ever remember. He would gladly spend the rest of his life making this man happy if it meant he got to spend even one more minute wrapped in these arms.
His mind drifted to Forest and all the man had tried to do to him and he couldn't help but laugh out loud. He felt Starsky's arms tighten even more and he squeezed it gently. "I was just thinkin' I really should be thankful for what Forest did to me."
"He brought us together, Starsk," Hutch said. "If not for him, we'd still be sitting across from each other and wishing."
"I will never be grateful to that son of a bitch," Starsky spat, his arms hard as steel around his lover now. "He coulda killed you. He damn near did."
"And I'd go through every bit of it ten times over to get right here right now."
"Aw, babe," Starsky said, his eyes filling at his lover's strong conviction.
"I love you so damn much."
"I love you, too. With everything I am and everything I hope to become, I love you."
4th story in The Fix series: Fixture of Love