Author's Note: Let me apologize for this little piece of fiction now. Sometimes my muses are very strange. Comments on this story can be sent to:

Starsky's Nightmare or
Why You Shouldn't Eat Cold Pizza At 3am

The credits began to roll on the midnight monster movie double feature. It had been two of Starsky's all time favorites...Creature from the Black Lagoon and The Screaming Skull. He yawned as he stood up to stretch, careful not to knock over the half empty popcorn bowl. The only thing that would have made the evening better was if Hutch had stayed up to watch with him. But his partner had put in an even longer week than he had and Starsky had insisted on him going to bed when he started to nod off on the couch.

Picking up the popcorn bowl, Starsky dumped the contents into the trash. After two and half bowls, even he had had his fill. He opened the fridge more out of habit than hunger and his eyes fell on the pizza box. He pulled the carton out and set it on the counter. He thought about heating it up, but he didn't want to go through the bother for two lousy slices of pizza. Besides, unlike Hutch, he liked his pizza just as good cold.

He polished off the pizza standing at the kitchen counter and washed it down with the last of the root beer. He made a mental note to pick up more tomorrow and threw out the pizza box. No sense inviting a lecture from Hutch on his eating habits if he could help it. With a smile on his face, he turned out the lights and climbed into bed.


"Starsky, come on. It's time to get up."

Starsky groaned at the voice. There was no way it was time to get up. He just went to bed. It couldn't possibly be time to get up already.

"Move it, Starsk."

"What time is it?" he called out, hoping against hope that he could sleep for just a little bit longer.

"It's 8:30. Dobey told us to be in at 9:00 sharp. That leaves thirty minutes for you to get up, get showered, get dressed and get going. Now up."

"Dobey told us to be in at 9:00?" Starsky asked. "When did he say that? I thought we had the weekend off."

"Nope. He's got a new case and he needs us for it."

"Aw, Hutch, why didn't you tell me last night? I wouldn't of stayed up all night."

"Never mind that now. Just get moving."

By the time they headed for the car they had five minutes to make it to the station. There was no way in hell, unless the Torino suddenly sprouted wings, that they were going to make it. Dobey was going to have their asses. Starsky wasn't sure he was up to getting his ass chewed out on an empty stomach.

"Hey, Hutch..." Starsky began only to be cut off.


"But you don't even know what I was gonna ask," he complained.

"It doesn't matter. The answer is still no."

"How would you know the answer is no if you don't know the question?"

"All right. No we can't stop for coffee. No we can't stop for a donut. No we can't call Dobey and tell him we'll be late because we got a flat. Did I cover everything?" The smug tone of voice grated on Starsky's nerves, but he let it go. He was sure his partner was no happier about having to go in today than he was. It wasn't Hutch's fault he stayed up all night.

"Yeah. You covered everything," Starsky replied glumly.

The station was a veritable hive of activity. Starsky silently wondered just what the hell the Captain needed them for if he had everyone else already here. From the look on his partner's face, he decided not to ask. It was clear that Hutch knew a hell of a lot more about what was going on than he did. It looked like he was just going to have to go along and hope someone bothered to fill him in.

"Starsky. Hutchinson. My office." The sound of the captain's voice snapped Starsky out of his thoughts and he turned to follow his partner. Time to beard the lion.

"I'll make this short and sweet," Dobey said once the door was closed behind the two men. "This is a matter of the utmost urgency. Now I know I can count on you two to be as discreet about this as possible."

Starsky did a double take. Did Dobey just say he was sure that they could be discreet? And Hutch just nodded his head like it was the most normal thing in the world. Twilight zone here we come.

"Well, gentlemen, I don't know how to say this other than to just come right out with it. It seems there's a disembodied skull floating around and it's turning people's underwear carnivorous," Dobey stated, his face the most serious Starsky had ever seen it.

"Carnivorous, sir?" Hutch asked, his own expression a mirror image of Dobey's.

"Yes. I'm afraid we've had three cases of people's genitals being eaten already. If we don't get a handle on this soon there won't be any penises left in LA."

"Cap'n, you can't be serious!" Starsky practically yelled. "This has gotta be some kinda joke."

"This is nothing to joke about, Starsky!" Dobey yelled.

Before Dobey could say anything else a piercing screech poured through the room. Starsky drew his gun and threw open the door. It was like a scene out of a movie. Everywhere he looked cops lay on the floor clutching their crotches. He could see blood running from between their fingers as they tried to pry their now carnivorous underwear away from their bodies.

Starsky slammed the door and turned to Hutch. The look of agony on his partner's face was one he would remember for the rest of his life. With a shriek, Hutch dropped to his knees, pulling frantically at his crotch. Starsky only stared, too shocked to move, until blood began to seep past his partner's fingers. Dropping his gun, he ran to Hutch and pushed him down, desperate to get his pants off. His fingers fumbled at the button as he pushed Hutch's hands aside.

Finally, he managed to pull the pants down past his partner's hips. Hutch's once white underwear was stained bright red. Starsky grabbed the soaked material and pulled them quickly away from Hutch's tender flesh. As he pulled the garment down he saw in horror that the crotch had been transformed. Where once there had been simple cotton, now there was a mouth filled with razor sharp teeth. Bloody teeth.

Ripping the monstrosity away from his partner, Starsky threw it across the room before turning his attention back to Hutch. His eyes fell on the bloody ruin where Hutch's penis used to be. Now there was nothing left but a small, ragged piece of flesh.



Starsky bolted upright in bed, the terror still fresh in his mind. Beside him, his partner continued to sleep. At least he continued to sleep until Starsky jerked the blankets off him and began yanking at his underwear.

"What the hell are you doing?" Hutch demanded, more than a little grumpy from being woken up.

"Where's your penis?" Starsky demanded, still caught in the dream.


"Your penis. YOUR PENIS! Where is YOUR PENIS!" Starsky was yelling now and Hutch could see that there was genuine terror in the man's eyes.

"It's right here, pal," Hutch said as soothingly as he could. "It's right where it's supposed to be."

"Get those underwear off, Hutchinson. Right now. Before they eat your dick."

"Starsk, relax. You must have had a bad dream. Just relax," Hutch said, trying to calm his distraught friend. And trying not to think about what he had just said. Eat my dick?

"Take them off or I'll cut them off," Starsky warned, his hand moving to the bedside table where he kept a small knife.

"Oh no. Uh-uh. No way, pal. You are not getting anywhere near my...underwear with a knife. Not in the state you're in right now." This was it. Starsky had lost his mind. He had finally cracked. Now what the hell was he going to do?

"Hutch, please. Ya gotta take 'em off before they turn carnivorous," Starsky begged, tears filling his eyes as he remembered his friend lying bleeding on the floor.

"Starsky, listen to yourself," Hutch pleaded. "You had a bad dream, buddy. My underwear is not going to turn carnivorous."

"Please, Hutch. Please. It chewed your dick off. I mean it just bit it right off. Please, before it's too late."

Hutch could see the fear in his partner's eyes. Telling himself that he was never again letting Starsky sit up all night watching horror movies, he rolled his eyes and did as he was asked. The underwear came off in one quick motion and before Hutch could do anything Starsky grabbed them and threw them across the room.

"It was just a dream, Starsk," Hutch tried to reason as he suddenly found his arms filled with his shaking partner. "It's all right. I'm fine."

"You sure?" Starsky asked, his body finally starting to calm.

"Positive," Hutch replied. "And I told you before. The only mouth that's coming anywhere near my dick anymore is yours."

"Love you," Starsky murmured as sleep claimed him again.

"Love you too, babe," Hutch replied as he kissed the dark head lying on his chest. He smiled when he felt Starsky's hand reach down and cover his genitals protectively. Some days being Starsky's lover were just a little more...strange...than others.