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Questions

by

Lucy

Do you ever wonder why we keep getting second chances?

I do, on nights like this when everything is quiet and dark and I wake up for no reason.

I lie here and try to go back to sleep and I can't seem to turn my head off. I'm nervous out on the streets—I'm tense, I'm wired—but here in the quiet of the night when I start to wonder about why we made it again. Hutch, I get so scared.

Maybe it seems worse right now because you just came home from the hospital after that damn bad soup you ate. God, I still feel sick when I think about how stupid that was. I've apologized to you until you got pissed and threw a pillow at me in the hospital, but I can't help it. What the fuck were we thinking? Why the hell did it take me that long? When you started getting sick, why did you feel like you had to keep going? If you'd have called it off, were you so sure I'd have been that big of an asshole about it? Maybe so. I think that's what I kept apologizing for. I'm not sure you ever got it. We'll have to talk about it again sometime over Monopoly when it's not so fresh. If I hadn't found you . . . God, I can't even follow the thought of that without breaking a sweat. You know how I feel about suicide, babe, but I swear to God I can't think of a thing that would have kept me from eaten' my gun if I'd found you dead. I'll be glad when you put back on a few pounds. I'll be able to look at you and not think about it.

Four a.m. and I woke up before three. Where's my brain going? What am I supposed to know that I don't yet? How important you are to me? That's a given. What I mean to you? I know that too. But something's been changing, Hutch. I keep pushing it away because I swear to god, I don't know what to do about it. I jerk off in the shower and it ain't no lady I think about. The body I'm fucking into next week is you, and you're loving it. Would you? Would you scream my name as you came? Would you want me that way too? Would I want that with you? Could I give that much of that private part of me? I've already given everything else. Is it really that big a step to cross that line?

I wonder.