Aftermath
by: Lasha
"What the hell is your problem today, Starsk? Or should
I say this week, this month?" Hutch spat the
words out to his dark-haired partner sitting next to him in the
car.
The response was quick and quiet, "Nothin'."
"Nothing, my ass. Try to pass that crap onto someone else...I know
you too well. It's like the pod people
have taken away my partner of the last seven years and replaced him with
a Starsky clone - one that
doesn't talk to me unless he has to. The only reason I know it's you and
not some alien is that you still
want to eat tacos and hamburgers at two o'clock in the morning. So,
what's up your butt?" Hutch said
harshly, figuring the only way to bring Starsky out of his funk was to
piss him off.
The dark head glanced quickly and looked at Hutch briefly while
keeping a close watch on the road.
"Nothin's wrong, Hutch, Starsky replied calmly. "Absolutely nothin'.
So, lay off it, ok?"
Before Hutch could make another comment, the police radio broke in, "Zebra Three."
Reaching for the microphone, Hutch replied, "Zebra Three."
The dispatcher radioed, "See a man named Bruno at The Whiskey on Sunset."
"10-4. Zebra Three out," Hutch returned the microphone to its cradle,
and looked at Starsky. "Guess our
snitch is wanting to talk...let's go."
"Yeah," Starsky said as he turned the Torino down a street which would take them to Sunset Boulevard. It was deathly quiet in the red Torino and both men hesitated to break the awkward silence.
The streets swept by Hutch's glaze quickly as Starsky drove them towards their destination. The silence in the car lingered and Hutch shifted restlessly in the seat, his leather jacket squeaking on the front seat of the Torino.
As Hutch looked out the window at the passing scenery. Seeing his face in the reflection of the window, Hutch stared out aimlessly. His blond hair took on a ghost-like appearance and his moustache almost wasn't visible in the reflection.
Knowing that the conversation they had started earlier needed to be finished. Hutch paused as if to speak, then thought better of it. Later, we'll finish it later. That's what I've been telling myself all month, ever since...No, it couldn't be that. Hutch wanted to deny that possibility. It would be too painful. This couldn't be about Kira.
It had only been a month since they'd faced the biggest challenge of their friendship. But, Hutch couldn't face yet another confrontation about that. He'd much rather think that the problem lay elsewhere. Kira. The name still caused Hutch to cringe. She had been the biggest mistake of his life, besides Vanessa.
No, please don't make this be about Kira.
Pushing that disturbing thought away, he pushed the problems
Starsky and he were having and focused on the job. Lately, it was the
only thing that had been keeping him sane. The silence mocked him.
God, I hope this day goes quickly.
* * * *
"10-4, Zebra Three. Time: Nineteen-twenty."
Hutch looked across at his partner, thinking that the day had gotten progressively worse since their terse conversation this morning. Their snitch, Bruno hadn't given them any helpful information and they had spent most of the day driving around Los Angeles trying to find a lead on the murder of a young prostitute who had been found beaten and stabbed in a run-down motel on Hollywood Boulevard two days ago. So, far they hadn't had any luck. Starsky had grown more sullen and moody as the day progressed and Hutch in response has withdrawn into himself. All he could think was he couldn't wait until Starsky dropped him off at his apartment in Venice Place.
Ten minutes later, Starsky pulled the car up in front of Hutch's apartment building.
As Starsky turned off the car's engine, he turned in his seat and looked at Hutch, "You hungry? Wanna order a pizza?"
Looking back at his best friend like he had grown two heads, Hutch snorted, "Yeah, sure, Starsk. You don't say two words to me all day...but you want to come up and order a pizza. Sure, no problem." Hutch opened the passenger door, threw his long limbs out the door and climbed out of the car.
Slamming the door behind him, he walked toward the entrance of Venice Place. He didn't hear Starsky's door open and close to follow him. Looking back over his shoulder at his partner who was still sitting in the Torino, Hutch yelled, "You coming or what?"
Starsky's response was to get out of the car and walk slowly over to where Hutch was waiting. "Yeah, I'm comin'...jeez, Hutch, stop being such an asshole..."
The blond drew himself up to his full height and looked his friend in the face, "Me...an asshole? That's rich...since all day you've been acting like a real shithead."
"Takes one to know one, Blondie!" Starsky countered back, the first sign of aggression Hutch had seen in a long time. Feeling fed up with his partner and just plain old worn out, Hutch grabbed Starsky and pushed him toward the stairs leading up to his apartment.
"Let's take it inside, Gordo!" Hutch growled, his pet name for Starsky sounding like an insult, having none of its usual playfulness.
Starsky pulled away from Hutch's touch and mounted the stairs. Hutch followed sullenly behind.
Reaching his front door, Hutch put his right hand up to the ledge above and got his key. Opening the door, and gesturing with a flourish of his hand for Starsky to go in before him. Starsky walked into Hutch's living room, feeling the blond's presence closely behind him. The door slammed and Starsky whirled around to see Hutch leaning back against the frame. Frustration and anger etched into every part of his body language and facial expressions as the blond looked him up and down.
"Care to let me in on what's bothering you there, buddy? Or am I suppose to pay twenty questions with you and figure it out on my own?" Hutch said forcefully, walking closer to where Starsky stood.
"You're the detective...you figure it out there, partner! I'm going to order a pizza while you think about it..."
Before Starsky could move towards the phone in the kitchen, Hutch grabbed his arm, still encased in its favorite brown leather jacket and pulled him close to whisper, "How about I beat the crap of you, then you explain to me what's the matter."
Blue eyes glittered dangerously back into another set of angry blue eyes and rose to meet the unspoken challenge Hutch had thrown out. Starsky countered, "No, how `bout I kick the shit out of you and then maybe you'll leave me alone and let me order my pizza!"
Stalemate, Hutch thought. Never being someone who would resist a fight, he grabbed Starsky's upper arms in a vice grip and shook him, "Dammit, Starsky...tell me what's wrong."
The dark head snapped back and looked up into the face so close to his and tried to twist out of Hutch's embrace. Hutch held on. "Let me go, Hutch...or you're gonna to regret it!"
Feeling close to the truth and what was bugging his best friend, Hutch pushed, "Regret what? What's going on with you? You in love? Someone reject you? Somebody in your family die? Tell me, Starsk...I'll be here for you. I promise. We're buddies, that's what we do..."
That sentence seem to set Starsky off. He twisted out of Hutch's grip and pushed at Hutch's chest with his left hand, pushing the blond away. Hutch was back in an instant, grabbing at his partner's arm, but Starsky was too fast - he missed. Starsky moved out of Hutch's reach.
"Buddies, yeah right...with friends like you, who needs enemies, right? I'm out of here." As he moved toward the door, Hutch stepped in front of him, blocking his partner's path. Starsky moved the left, Hutch moved to left. Starsky moved to the right, Hutch again copied the action. There's no way I am letting him out of here until we work this out.
Hutch didn't see the fist coming until it hit him in the face. He stumbled backwards, dizzy for a minute. That's when Starsky made his attempt to escape. Hutch still smarting from the blow, tackled his partner in a football move, bringing both men to the floor, pinning Starsky beneath him.
"You gonna explain that remark, Starsk? Or do we punch it out here and now?"
Starsky lay panting beneath the taller man's body, "You want the truth so bad Hutch, okay, here's the truth...you screwed up, Hutch. You screwed up big time. I mean, how am I supposed to trust my partner, my best friend when he fucks my girlfriend? Uh? How am I supposed to trust you with anything anymore? Now, get off of me!" And with that, Starsky bucked his hips at an attempt to push the blond off.
Hutch responded by placing his legs on either side of his partner's hips. Then by sitting back on the smaller man's upper thighs, he effectively blocked any attempt Starsky made to leave.
"Oh no, I'm not moving... 'till we work this out. Kira? This is about Kira? I thought we had put this behind us...moved on." Hutch leaned his upper torso closer to Starsky's and whispered in his friend's ear, "I'm sorry...what else do you need? You'll never know how bad I feel..."
Starsky reply was muted, calm, like he had been thinking about it for awhile. His tone scared Hutch. He had never heard so much pain before in his friend's voice, "Words, Hutch. They're just words. You took something from me because I wanted it, not because you loved her. That I could have understood. No, but after you were finished with her, you threw her away...it was just a way to get to me, wasn't it? You didn't want me to have her...so you made sure I'd find out about the two of you. Can't stand to see me with anybody else, can ya? That is anybody else... but you!"
Hutch's pale expression was all the answer Starsky needed to see to know he had nailed it perfectly.
"Yeah, I finally figured it out...dumb 'ol Starsky. Too blind to see the forest 'cause of the trees...now get off of me before I hit you again."
Hutch rolled off Starsky and lay back on the floor, watching his partner rise to his feet. It's out in the open now. Starsky knows. Hutch felt ill. He had never intended that his obsession - his love - for this man to ever become known. But, Starsky was right, sleeping with Kira had been a way to come between them. Hutch knew when Starsky found out Kira and he had been lovers, it would be all over between the pretty, blonde policewoman and his beautiful partner.
He had planned it. No, he hadn't seduced Kira, she had been more than willing to betray Starsky also; but Hutch had planned on Starsky finding them together. Knowing Starsky as well as he did, Hutch had rightly assumed his friend would choose his partner over his lover. Hutch had thought when they had made up at Huggy Bear's and blown Kira off things would return to normal, but it had been over a month and nothing had been the same since. He's right, I screwed it all up!
I'm in love with best friend and because I was too much of a coward to tell him, I slept with his girlfriend to break them up; so I could have him all to myself again. God, I am an asshole.
Hutch slowly rose to his feet, a little unsteady after Starsky's tirade. But, he couldn't let it end this way, not after all they had meant to each other over the years. Hutch had to try someway and make amends.
"Starsky, please...don't go. We can work this out. I am so sorry."
"Now, you're sorry. Geez, Hutchinson, in all the years we've known each other and you've pulled some pretty shitty things on me in the past, this is the first time I think you're really are sorry. But, it's too late. Save it. You crossed the line this time..."
Starsky' words hurt and Hutch tried to ignore them. But he couldn't, after years of loving this man, he couldn't let go that easily. Sensing that this really might be the end of their friendship, Hutch decided to go out fighting, instead of groveling, "What - because I fucked Kira, you're going to end a seven year partnership? You didn't really love her anyway, Starsky. If you really think about it, I did you a favor. If she had really loved you, she never would have slept with me...Come to think of it, you should be thanking me!"
Moving quickly before Hutch had time to react, Starsky slammed his partner against the front door, pushing his back against the wood. Putting his fingers into Hutch's thin, blond hair, he yanked Hutch's face towards his and bit out, "This what you wanted, Hutch? This what you wanted to keep Kira from having?"
As if in slow motion, Hutch saw Starsky's mouth coming towards his. Then, those lips took Hutch's in a kiss that rocked the blond to his core. This can't be happening. That was his last coherent thought as Starsky's mouth possessed his.
Hutch's body and mind spiraled down into a desire so deep it left him moaning for more. Starsky deepened the kiss. Unable to stop himself, Hutch returned the kiss. Starsky parted the blond's lips with his tongue and moved into the warm recesses of his partner's mouth. Starsky's tongue was out of control, plunging in and out of Hutch's pliant mouth. Teeth and tongues touched, met and grappled with each other for dominance. Pushed against the door, Hutch could feel every inch of Starsky's body pressed against him. He'd grown hard the instant Starsky's lips had touched his. As his cock throbbed in time with his pounding heart, he pushed his raging hard-on into Starsky's pelvis, explaining without words just how turned on he was to his partner. Starsky's response was to push his own erection against the blond while never breaking contact with Hutch's mouth.
Suddenly, it was too much for Hutch. A realization of all his most secret fantasies about Starsky were coming true. It was everything Hutch could have ever wished for in a kiss. Especially from this man he had secretly been in love with for such a long time. He wasn't afraid any longer, and responded to the kiss with a wildness that matched Starsky's. There was no tentative touches, but a barely restrained ferocity between the two and Hutch reveled in it.
Moaning against Starsky's mouth, Hutch grasped those powerful shoulders, wanting everything he could give and more. Starsky didn't disappoint him, kissing him back harshly. With his mouth pressed against Starsky's, Hutch dipped his tongue between the lips, sliding in one long and erotically painful stroke. Under his fingers, Starsky's skin felt so warm, so inviting, he became dizzy with desire.
Passion. Desire. Heat. He hadn't realized one kiss could provoke it. Demand it. This was what he had been missing with all his past lovers. This.
Taking both hands, he moved them from Starsky's shoulders and pulled Starsky's hips against him. Grinding their throbbing erections together. The dark haired man moaned, low in his throat. Hutch was relieved at the sound. Starsky wanted him too. Starsky wanted him. The thought gave him hope that after this madness was over, they could start over fresh...as friends and maybe more...
That talented mouth ravaged his and Hutch responded in kind, taking his hands from the smaller man's hips and placing them on Starsky's ass. Gripping those tight cheeks, Hutch pulled up on the buttocks and pressed their pelvises together, grinding them around in a circle, guaranteed to inflame his soon-to-be lover. Starsky sucked on Hutch's tongue in response.
Ah, God you feel so good, babe. Hutch moaned as Starsky's tongue traced the inner recesses of his mouth.
They strained against each other, the only thing keeping Hutch in an upright position was the door against his back and Starsky's grip in his hair. Suddenly, Starsky broke the kiss, drawing away to catch his breath. Blue eyes met blue, then Starsky moved first, taking his hands out of Hutch's hair and placing them on his chest. Grabbing those powerful shoulders in front of him, Starsky guided Hutch away from the door and over towards the couch. Hutch complied, letting Starsky lead the way. This was his show.
Starsky pushed Hutch backwards and he fell into the couch. Starsky quickly followed his friend down and landed on top of his body. As Starsky straddled Hutch's body and swiftly shed his leather jacket, gun holster and T-shirt , pulling it over his head and throwing it on the floor. Hutch felt his gun holster and shirt being removed. Then, he heard the sound of ripping fabric and was shocked, then aroused by the sight of his shirt being torn by his partner's strong hands.
Unconcerned about the buttons falling to the floor, Hutch helped Starsky remove what was left of the shirt. Next came his jeans and briefs. They were thrown to the floor also. With the last of his clothes gone, Hutch felt Starsky push himself down onto his throbbing body. Their bare chests touching each other for the first time.
To Hutch, it felt like heaven. It was intoxicating, addicting.
Nothing had ever been so good in his life. A hot ache grew in his
throat, and Hutch implored his lover with his eyes. More, more. Take
me.
* * * *
In response to the blond's glaze, Starsky began rocking his body against Hutch's, imitating the rhythm of lovemaking. Harshly rocking back and forth, Starsky was in the grip of some primitive, mindless need to possess Hutch. The fever to posses the bigger man was all consuming; to mark him, brand him as his own. Mine, this is mine, screamed through his head. Starsky kissed Hutch again, taking that mouth in a ravenous assault. The kiss was punishing and angry and his firm mouth demanded a response that Hutch was all too willing to give. Their tongues dueled, each trying to outdo the other. To push each other over the edge, but Starsky was the first to pull back, breaking off the kiss.
"Starsk...please," Hutch moaned.
He wasn't finished tormenting Hutch yet. Starsky moved back toward the blond, blue eyes glowing with a savage inner fire and then slowly moved his lips down Hutch's throat, past his collarbone and onto his lover's hairless chest. Finally, he got to Hutch's nipples, licking and sucking on each in turn until he was sobbing with desire. Hutch's body was on fire, consumed with a fever that only his raven-haired partner could assuage.
Starsky needed more and continued his violent journey down Hutch's toned body, using teeth and tongue to make his friend moan with pleasure. Starsky knew he was leaving bite marks, but it didn't matter. He wanted, no needed this act to take away the pain of what Hutch had done to him. He needed to own him, body and soul, only then would the hurt and betrayal go away. This would wipe Kira out of both their minds forever. After this Hutch would belong to him and only him. It was what the blond had wanted all along wasn't it? Starsky thought.
When he felt Hutch's hips bucking beneath him, he caught them firmly
in his hands, holding him down, Hutch's cock brushed Starsky's arm and
the heat was scorching. Without any hesitation, Starsky moved down and
over the throbbing organ and closed his mouth over it, swallowing it
whole. Moving his tongue up and down Hutch's penis, Starsky licked at
Hutch's member like it was the best thing he had ever tasted. He would
suck on the tip, tasting the salty pre-cum for awhile, then move on to
devour the thick shaft with his mouth. Over and over, Starsky repeated
this motion. It felt so good to do this to Hutch. To give him
pleasure. To obliterate Kira from both their minds.
* * * *
Hutch felt like his body was half ice and half flame, on fire whenever Starsky touched him, cold when those lips were removed. He could hear the sounds he was making, frantic, voracious sounds, gasping his lover's name out loud, fueling the fire burning through his body. It was too much, it felt like an electric shocks scorching through his body. Hutch whimpered almost in pain, his arousal bursting. Yes, this is what I want. What I've always wanted.
Then, the licking and sucking -- it was more than Hutch could take. His overheated body pushed beyond its last limit. He reached downward, his hands cupping the back of Starsky's neck, entwining his fingers into those black curls. Gently showing his partner the rhythm he liked. The effect was unbelievable. Intense pleasure poured through him from the action of his lover's mouth, but the firm grip Starsky kept on his shaft kept his climax at bay. Hutch moaned. He groaned at the exquisite torture. He thrashed his head back from side to side. He couldn't breathe, the pleasure was so fierce.
Then Starsky released his grip, taking Hutch completely into his mouth, and what was left of Hutch's control snapped. Almost brutally he began thrusting into Starsky's mouth. Fucking his partner's mouth while holding on to his hair in a death-like grip. Hutch lost it. He couldn't think straight, lost in the total sensation of Starsky's mouth pleasuring him.
Finally he cried out in release, spurting hot liquid deep into his partner's mouth, sobbing out his relief. The pleasure was pure and explosive and Starsky drank the essence that was Hutch as the blond moaned out his ecstasy. His world came apart as he surrendered to the most cataclysmic orgasm of his life. As his spinning universe slowly came back into focus, he looked down to see Starsky slowly releasing his spent organ. Closing his eyes to that incredible sight, Hutch tried to catch his ragged breath.
Before he could do that, he felt himself being turned swiftly onto his stomach. Pulling himself onto his knees for his lover, he felt Starsky's arm wrap tightly his waist. Feeling his lover's other arm move down his back to linger above his butt cheeks.
Hutch gasped when Starsky forced one finger inside his tight opening. That finger moved back and forth in his opening and Hutch's world spun and careened on it's axis. He laid his head on his arms, feeling totally exposed and vulnerable. Hands grasped his hips, and he shivered, almost convulsively. Knowing what was to come next, what had to happen. He didn't have to wait long.
All rational thoughts left Hutch's mind, as Starsky continued his assault. The seeking finger suddenly finding a little round protrusion and Hutch screamed out loud, "Starsky!"
Starsky's hands were between his legs, his fingers caressing, rubbing, gently opening him, finding that spot over and over again. Creating a wet-hot and wild sensation that caused Hutch to move his hips and cry out incoherently.
Nothing could have ever prepared him for the sensations of how good it felt to have his partner finger-fucking him. A second finger joined the first, piecing his virginal hole. It continued to stroke his insides, driving him crazy with desire. Suddenly, both fingers were taken out and he heard the rustle of Starsky unzipping his jeans. Then strangely, footsteps away from the couch and into the bedroom. Moaning at the loss of his partner's fingers, Hutch could only wait for his partner's magic hands to come back, hoping that this wasn't part of Starsky's plan to teach him a lesson and repay him for Kira. To leave him hanging, mad out of his mind with desire.
"Starsky, please, babe," he called desperately, urging his lover to come back. Hearing a drawer being opened and closed and then a couple of seconds later he felt Starsky move into position behind him again. Sighing in relief, he heard Starsky remove his jeans and finally felt his partner's erection against his ass. The smaller man wrapped his arms around Hutch's middle again. Then, the fingers were back inside him, probing, stretching.
This time, however, the fingers were lubricated with lotion. That explained the trip to the bedroom, Hutch thought, then all rational judgment left his mind as Starsky began to stroke inside him harder and more forcefully. He moved back against those fingers, riding them. It felt incredible, so out of control. I hope it never ends. I want this, I want him inside me...
Suddenly Starsky spoke, his voice harsh and low. "What do you want, Hutch? Say it..."
The sound startled Hutch as Starsky had been silent all throughout their lovemaking. The words struck at his very core, asking him to be honest. To bare his soul...there was no other response to give but, "Take me...please."
Starsky owns me now body and soul...
Moaning as Starsky worked his fingers in and out of his body, continuing the torture. Hutch gasped, "Fuck me, now, babe. I need...ah, yes!" Closing his eyes to experience the full sensation of Starsky's fingers fucking him, he threw his head back in a moan of both pleasure and pain as Starsky touched the spot deep inside him again. Hutch sobbed at the intense feeling, pushing back against Starsky's hand, urging him to take him. It was beyond words, beyond belief.
Then Starsky was there, making him ache, making him long for the firm thrust of his lover. Perhaps there would be pain. Hutch no longer cared, if only Starsky would claim him, complete him. In ways he'd dreamed of for months, maybe even years.
His lover complied to the request, removing his fingers and then with one long, glorious thrust, Starsky gave them what they both wanted. Hutch winced in pain at first, unaccustomed to the thick length. Exhaling, his relaxed his inner muscles to accommodate his lover. Starsky's arms tightly pulled against his chest as he began a violent pounding rhythm that Hutch echoed with his own backward thrusts.
It wasn't enough. Hutch wanted more. To have Starsky lose complete and utter control. Looking back over his shoulder, he caught Starsky's dazed, passion-filled glaze. His heart melted. Hutch spoke one word, "Harder."
Blue eyes darkened and Starsky willing complied. It was as if all of Starsky's control and inhibitions finally snapped with that one word. He wrapped his fist around Hutch's hair, pulling the blond's head back, exposing his neck. Biting the exposed area, his thrusts became wilder and harder. The primal rhythm relentless, both of them rushing desperately toward release.
Hutch felt one of Starsky's hands release his hair and move down his body to grasp his leaking cock. The hand stroked gently at first, tentatively. Then, finally harder, quicker, mimicking the rhythm of his thrusts.
With each stroke of Starsky's hand, Hutch felt himself grow hard again. The stroking motions continued outside and inside Hutch's body and he howled in pleasure at the sensations, his gasps and moans driving Starsky on to thrust deeper and harder, both of them now desperate for release.
To Hutch, it seemed to go on forever, both of them crying out their need with low moans. Their thrusts grew harder, more violent as if some power had control of them, driving them on to complete this step. Then, one final thrust, a last stroke of Starsky's hand sent Hutch over the edge. He screamed out his release, yelling, "Starsky!" as he came. Hutch clenched his inner muscles, wanting to pull Starsky over the edge with him.
Hutch heard a muffled shout and Starsky stilled, then collapsed on top of his back. Starsky's weight was too much for him and he collapsed onto the couch cushions, pulling his partner down with him.
Too exhausted to move, Hutch lay there, panting and out of breath. Shell-shocked at what had just transpired, neither moved. Still joined together, Hutch felt Starsky's breath of the back of his neck.
Somehow Hutch managed to catch his breathe and say quietly, "Love
you, babe." His eyes closed and he fell into an exhausted sleep, worn
out from Starsky's loving.
* * * *
His arms firmly around his Hutch's chest, Starsky pulled the bigger man tightly into his embrace. Even after pounding Hutch into the mattress, he still felt the need to mark his lover. To possess Hutch completely. His thoughts raced.
He's mine, no one else's... Not Gillian's, not Vanessa's, but mine. Kira can't touch us now. She could never give you this, pal. You went wild.
Lightly biting on Hutch's shoulder, bruised a little from his earlier ministrations, Starsky left a deeper mark, branding Hutch with his teeth. Now who owns you, buddy?
Starsky knew that Hutch had wanted him like this for awhile. Hutch sleeping with Kira had been the last straw in their tense relationship of the last couple of months. That betrayal had forced him to finally deal with his feelings of jealously in seeing Hutch with Kira. Coming out of her bedroom...buttoning his shirt. Shit...it still hurts to think about it...
Surely that explained my overwhelming need to possess Hutch? To make love to him until the blond could think of no one else? That had to explain it all. Snuggling closer to the warm, naked body under him and feeling more content at this moment, then he had in the past month; Starsky thought maybe they could work this out after all. He hoped they could, but the dark thought that maybe tonight had forever damaged their relationship nagged him.
I mean how do you tell you partner of seven years that you enjoyed fucking his brains out and wanted to it again and again? With that notion in his head, Starsky pulled Hutch closer into his embrace and fell into a dreamless sleep praying that tomorrow everything would finally be okay between Hutch and him.
Finally.
* * * *
Hutch woke up slowly, his mind not quite processing his whereabouts at first. Then, he felt the warmth of a hairy body pressed close to him. He remembered. Starsky. They were on his couch, naked as the day they had been born, wrapped around each other. His couch had never been the ideal place to sleep. His legs being too long to fit comfortably in the small space. His whole body ached. Yeah, and having your partner's dick shoved up your ass probably didn't help either, Hutchinson. Hutch moved away from the warmth of his partner's body, grimacing slightly at the new ached in his lower body. Starsky didn't move, dead to the world.
Looking down at the sleeping man, Hutch marveled at his innocent beauty. This is what you've been dreaming about for months, Hutchinson...Starsky in your bed...making love to you?
But, for some reason, this morning Hutch didn't feel elation or joy, just sorrow. Remembering the night before, Hutch realized Starsky had been so mad at him, and wanted to lash out in the most primitive way possible. Starsky had only said one word during their lovemaking. Hutch realized it said volumes. No, there was nothing to be happy about this morning.
Hutch moved into the bedroom to get some clothes. Right now, I need to think...the beach, yeah, the beach would be perfect. I need to figure out exactly what Starsky and I are going to do after this. That he was so mad he made love to me, his male partner?
After John Blaine, Starsky's child mentor, had been found in a gay hotel murdered. Hutch never thought he would ever have the chance to show his true feelings to Starsky. Starsky was obviously disgusted by homosexual relationships, remembering his partner's conversation with Peter Whitlaw, John's last lover. Starsky had seemed disgusted by the whole idea of two men together. It was then my dream of loving Starsky had started to fade.
But, then what happened last night? He must have been so pissed, to
do... that. Surely, this would ruin everything between them.
When, he woke up, he'd be sick remembering what he had done.
Their relationship would be over. What am I going to do to fix
this?
* * * *
Starsky woke feeling cold and lonely. He looked around the small Venice Place apartment for his partner, but didn't see the blond anywhere. Unconcerned about his nudity, he walked into the bathroom, thinking maybe Hutch was in the shower. No, not there. Knowing they had to talk, Starsky walked over to the window which looked out onto the street to see if Hutch's LTD was still parked there. It was. Frowning, Starsky wondered where his partner had gone.
Knowing his partner all too well, Starsky figured the blond was somewhere contemplating their actions last night and beating himself up about it. He had to find him before Hutch worked himself into a frenzy. We have a lot of talking to do.
Still staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts about his
absent partner, Starsky saw a lone figure walking on the Venice beach
beyond the street. There was no mistaking the silvery hair glistening in
the early morning sun. It was Hutch. Starsky quickly found his clothes
scattered about the apartment floor and donned them. It was time to pay
the piper...
* * * *
So engrossed in his own thoughts, Hutch didn't see or hear Starsky coming towards him on the beach until he was nearly on top on him.
Hutch looked into his friend and now lover's eyes, expecting to see something to help him in what to say to the man standing in front of him. Starsky's indigo blue eyes gave away nothing. You're not going to make this easy, are you, babe?
Hutch sat down in the sand, putting his face in his hands, trying to think of something profound to say that would explain what had happened between them last night. To explain it away and put their friendship back together. But, he drew a blank. Trying to keep the chilly California wind away from his now numb body, Hutch wrapped his arms around his chest. He heard Starsky sit down next to him. Eons passed and neither man spoke, waiting for the other to start the conversation.
Hesitantly, breaking the wall of silence between them, Starsky spoke first, "Hutch...I woke up and you were gone...tell me what you're thinking."
That's my Starsk...always gets straight to the point. Hutch looked up and saw for the first time concern in his friend's facial expression. Starsky continued, "You hate me, right? You never want to speak to me again... and you're gonna ask...Dob... Dob-ey for a transfer." His voice wobbled a little at the last remark.
"Don't worry, I understand...I mean I practically...raped you last night. I was so out of control..."
Not allowing Starsky to finish, Hutch broke in quickly, "Rape? My god, is that what you're beating yourself up about, Starsk? Last night was definitely not rape. I was as hot for it as you were...maybe more. I mean I've wanted you to make love to me for a long time..."
"But, I know you really didn't want me that way... not after what happened with John Blaine...I know how you feel about two guys together...you were mad...at me about Kira. I understand...it would have never happened normally. It's okay...I will understand if you never want to see me again."
Hutch finished his sentence, then looked away from his partner, knowing what response he would get in return. This is where he breaks it off, tells me...it was nice knowing ya, buddy. Bye. He waited for the inevitable conclusion.
Staring out at the endless ocean, listening to the pounding surf, the seagulls squawking and lost in despair at the thought of losing Starsky, he almost missed Starsky reply.
Waiting until Hutch came back from wherever his mind was, Starsky sighed and said, "Listen, my reasons are even still pretty confusing to me, Hutch. I thought maybe you hated me for the way I used you last night...I was so mad at you I couldn't think straight...I couldn't control myself...you have every right to hate me...to want to leave me."
"After what I pulled with Kira, you have every right to be mad and want to leave me. This is all my fault, not yours. If I had just been honest from the beginning about my feelings for you, none of this mess would have happened," Hutch protested.
Starsky hesitantly touched his lover's arm, "No, Hutch. You were right, this wasn't really about Kira. It was about me being hurt that you could betray me that way, to use Kira to get to me. After we made up at Huggy's, I realized why you had slept with her...how you felt about me."
"You figured it out at Huggy's?"
"Yeah, the look on your face when we told her it was both of us...or neither of us...I mean I may be slow sometimes, but I could just see how much you wanted her to reject our suggestion. You wanted me all to yourself. It was as plain as day. Then, I realized how much you loved me."
Continuing, Starsky paused to catch his breath, "Lately, I've been so mad at you and I didn't quite understand why. So mad I wanted to punish you somehow. That's what the last month has been all about...the silent treatment. Last night, we...me...all that bottled up stuff came out...and I felt like I had to own you...to make you mine!"
Sighing, Starsky struggled to get the right words out, to express what he was feeling so there would be no more misunderstanding between Hutch and himself. Taking his hand from Hutch's arm, he reached up to touch his lover's face. Trying to convey with a touch all the emotions he was feeling.
"But, what I realized last night was that I love you too," Starsky paused and looked up to the early morning sky, gathering his thoughts, trying to put it all into words.
He continued, "Oh, I hid it well, but the thought of you fucking Kira drove me nuts. It ate me up. I mean, after that night at Huggy's when I realized you were in love with me. I thought, how could he sleep with her? I wasn't pissed about losing her, I was pissed because you had betrayed our love."
"Last night, when we were making love - and it was love, Hutch - I realized that I had wanted you too for a long time, I was just afraid to admit it to myself. After Johnny...well, you know how well I handled that. But, Johnny's not us. We're different. You gotta believe that."
Stopping briefly, his hand falling from Hutch's face, he continued, "I was scared that by admitting to myself I wanted to fuck my partner...it would mean somehow I was admitting I was gay or bi..." Starsky stopped. Hutch looked at his partner, but Starsky eyes darted away, maybe a little bit embarrassed about what they were discussing, Hutch thought.
Suddenly the eye contact was back and Starsky continued, " Look...whatever they're calling it nowadays -- gay, bi, homosexual. I didn't want to admit to myself that I wanted another man. So, I pushed those feelings away over the past month and in the process pushed you away too."
This isn't easy, baring one's soul, thought Starsky.
"Last night, I had to have you. Nothin' would have stopped me. Not I.A., the threat of us losing our jobs. Not my own demons. Nothin'. I needed you that much. Maybe I wanted to erase Kira from your mind...fuck her out of both our systems. You know what I mean? So, she could never hurt us again."
Dipping his face to the morning sun, Starsky closed his eyes and continued, "You know, Kira was a cover. You were right, I didn't really love her. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to make you jealous by telling you I loved her. I'm not saying you sleeping with her didn't hurt. It did. But, I think we can get past it. We both made mistakes...but it's time for the truth, if we're gonna work this out. It's who do we trust time?"
After patiently waiting for Starsky to finish, Hutch didn't know what to say. Starsky had bared his soul to him. How in the world can I respond to that? The truth. Only the truth would do now. He trusted only one person in this world, and it was his partner.
Hutch calmly responded, knowing it was now or never, "Look, you want the truth...the truth is, I'm tired of the pretending...of the games. I feel like we've been playing this game for years. After this mess with Kira, I know there's only one person for me and he's sitting right next to me. Life's too short, I'm not going pretend anymore that I don't love you...that I'm in love with you."
He put his hand on top of Starsky's, "Either you accept that and we move on from here...fresh...or we forget about the whole partnership and go our separate ways. "'Cause now that we've been together, I couldn't go back to just being friends...the decision is up to you now, buddy," Hutch's voice shook as he finished.
Knowing how much that admission had cost his partner, Starsky scooted closer to Hutch on the sand, needing to be closer to the one person who had always understood him, protected him, loved him. "Hutch, look at me." When Hutch refused to look up, Starsky grabbed the blond's chin and turned his face up, his blue eyes piercing the distance between them.
Starsky said fiercely to the still man sitting next to him, "Haven't you been listening to me, Blondie? I love you. You...Ken Hutchinson. Big, dumb, blond cop." Hutch smiled slightly at that comment.
"My partner for the last seven years or so. And no matter what happens, I do know that I'm not leaving you...not ever. We've meant too much to each other for me to leave now. You're right, we need to put this behind us and start fresh. Forget Kira ever happened. Move on."
Hutch sat on the beach stunned at his partner's revelations. He loves me. Me, not Kira. Hutch didn't think he had ever heard his partner talk so much about his feelings in the ten years or more that they had known one another, then he had in the past fifteen minutes.
Starsky's silence last night during their lovemaking had chilled his heart, making him question his own feelings and Starsky's. But now, Starsky had laid all those fears to rest. His overactive imagination of thinking his partner would never want to see him again vanished. He loves me. He wants to work this relationship...our love for one another. Forget Kira. Move on together.
It's all my dreams come true at once.
Hutch moved and leaned his head on his partner shoulders, his throat constricting at the emotion coursing through his body. Unable to keep his emotions in check after assuming the worst after waking this morning, he realized he was being given another chance to love Starsky. He wasn't going to mess it up this time. Nothing will ever keep me from loving this man now...I will prove to him that this can be beautiful.
Raising his head, Hutch took Starsky's face between his two big hands and vowed, "Starsk, I promise, no more games, no more lies. No more Kiras. We can make this work...I love you, too."
Starsky looked into the face and eyes of his friend and lover and moved their faces closer, "Nope, no more lies for either of us. It's time was both accepted that we love each love. Last night was a beginning, Hutch and today, we start fresh...no more misunderstandings."
Then, Starsky's tone took on a teasing quality and he said, "But, of course if you ever sleep with anybody else again but me...I may have to hunt them down and kill them; because if you didn't realize it after last night, you're mine, Blondie. And I'm yours. Me and thee, remember? That's if you still want me?" Hutch nodded to the question posed.
"Good, now shut up and kiss me, you big blond Blintz, 'cause I'm hungry and ..."
Hutch closed the distance and captured Starsky's mouth in a kiss before he could finish the sentence. Starsky opened his mouth and kissed Hutch back. Lost in the kiss, in each other; Hutch forgot they were on the beach, until the noise of the street sweeping machine in the street behind him pulled him out of his reverie.
Starsky broke the contact first, looking a little dazed. He quipped, "You know you make me forget we're on a public beach, buddy? Can't have us getting arrested now, can we?" Hutch smiled at the words, an irresistible, devastating grin.
His infectious smile set the tone and Starsky stood up first, offering his hand to Hutch, who used it to pull himself up. They fell into each other's arms, laughing at each other for the first time in over a month; content in their new-found feelings for one another. It would take some time to work out all the kinks, but they would do it together.
"You hungry, Starsk?"
"Yeah, seems I didn't get that pizza I wanted last night...so I think I deserve at least breakfast in bed. What do you think, babe?"
"I think you deserve anything you want today, my love. Come on, let's go home."
Hand in hand, they walked across the sand towards home and their future.